HELP ME, PLEASE!

I DON'T SPEAK HUMAN!

Imagine that you have been beamed up into a spaceship and alien beings surround you.  They attach a cold metal thing around your neck and start communicating in some kind of foreign language.  You stare at them and wonder what they are saying. 

Then one of them approaches you and gurgles out more strange noises.  It sounds like, "Googla tra necket," but you can't be sure and even if you were, what does it mean and does this creature expect you to do something?

"Googla tra necket, googla tra necket, googla tra necket."  Over and over it keeps repeating.  You continue to stare.  "Boy, do they ever look weird."  You somehow manage a wane smile in hopes of showing it that you are friendly.

Oh, oh, now it appears to be agitated.  It's pointing at your teeth with something that looks like spiny, purple fingers.  Quickly you stop smiling hoping this will calm the alien down.

Now the alien is yelling, "Googla tra necket, googla tra necket, googla tra necket."  You start to become very concerned because this creature really looks mad and its anger appears to be directed at you.  The big ugly thing doesn't seem to be aware that you are no longer smiling at it -- if that was indeed what set it off.  

This is getting really scary and frantically you begin to search for a place to hide.  One of the aliens seems smaller than the rest and you decide it might be best to get behind that one.  As you make a dive to hide behind the little one the angry one makes a snapping noise and suddenly the metal thing around your neck jerks you backward and you find yourself very near to the angry one.

"Ouch," you scream out in pain as you struggle to free yourself of the thing around your neck.  The alien hasn't touched you yet the pain is unbearable.

The angry one is really going off now.  It lowers it's ugly face only inches from yours and as it belches those same sounds, "googla tra necket," you almost pass out from the putrid breath emanating from what appears to be its mouth.

You can't get away and the more you try the tighter and more painful the thing around your neck becomes.  You can't breathe and you think that this is it and now you are going to die.

Suddenly one of the other aliens approaches and moves the angry one aside.  You realize that you have just lost control of your bladder but you really don't care.  All you can think about is what will this one do to you?

The new alien says, "Googla tra necket, soooolaykeeeeee," and to your relief the pain gripping your neck subsides and you are finally able to take several deep breaths.  Your heart is pounding and you drop to your knees feeling faint.  This one's tone is different, softer and the last word seems almost soothing.  It reaches out its spiny, purple appendage in your direction.

"Oh no, here it comes," you think.  "I'm dead now.  If they can inflict such pain without touching me surely their touch must be excruciating."  There is nowhere to run so you close your eyes and brace yourself for the end.

"Hey, what's that?"  You feel a gentle pressure against your back.  It's not painful at all and you hear the alien saying, "soooolaykeeeeee, soooolaykeeeeee."  This doesn't sound harsh.  In fact it has a rather soothing tone to it.  You chance a peek at the alien's face and decide that it looks more friendly than angry.  You begin to relax just a bit but you dare not move. 

The alien is gently pushing you down and you go along with it rather than risk more pain.  Now you are laying on the floor of the spaceship.  For some reason all the aliens seem very pleased about this.  They are making lots of noises and grunts and gesturing their long ugly appendages toward you.  They actually seem to be delighted that you are on the floor.

You have absolutely no idea why they this would make them so happy.  You are just glad that they don't seem angry any longer.  You start to smile but then quickly stop remembering what happened the last time you tried that.  They don't seem to like the sight of your teeth.

The nice alien, if there is such a thing, acts even more pleased than the others.  It reaches out and picks you up from the floor and stands you up in front of it.  Clearly, you need to pay attention to it.  Then it says the dreaded, "Googla tra necket."

"Oh no, here we go again."  Your body tenses and you wish you could figure out what those sounds mean and what it is this thing wants of you.  Not knowing what else to do and in an effort to avoid making it angry you quickly lie down again on the spaceship floor.  Perhaps this will please them as much as it did the first time.

"Freeeshaba, freeeshaba," they all say and they seem extremely pleased.  At last it dawns on you that googla tra necket must mean to lie down.  What a relief.

"Torbit swaileee morkabadit," says another of the aliens who has stepped forward to take the place of the nice alien.  Ugh, this one really smells awful.  As you back away you wonder, "Now what do those sounds mean and what does this one expect of me?"

We hope you will think about this story next time you get a new dog or when you ask your dog to do something and it seems like he is ignoring you.  It is not so very different from how a dog, or in fact any animal, might feel.  Please be kind, be patient and above all make it fun because . . . they don't speak human.